matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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