I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
