and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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