Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
