i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
