just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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