I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
