im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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