i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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