why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
