I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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