Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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