Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
