So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
