i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
