please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
