It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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