You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
