Welp...herpes.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
