Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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