the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I want her autograph on my taint
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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