we have pet lesbian snakes
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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