Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
