somebody snuck up and got me drunk
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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