I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
