nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You made out with two different species that night
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
