Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
