he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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