soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Randomize
