If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
