I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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