I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
