Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
