I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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