it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
