i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
