The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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