Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
