Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
