Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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