Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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