Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Randomize
