my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize