How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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