now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
