Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize