I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
