zippers are such a cool invention
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
