I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
