I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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