her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
