The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
