If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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