do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
