my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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