why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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