ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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