very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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