I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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