Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
