I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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