the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
