good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
